[This play was inspired by the common phrase that says, “It’s always in the last place you look.” The conventional thinking being: of course it is! Why would you continue searching for something after you’ve found it? But contrary to the logic of that statement, my experience has been different. Whenever — and this has been consistent throughout my life — I look for something, I will end up finding it in a place I’d already looked before. Now, the first time I looked there, I did so quickly, skimming the area. For instance, if there was a stack of papers, I would just lift the stack and put it back down. Upon searching the stack again, I would flip through the papers and notice — Voila! —the missing item had gotten caught in a paper clip or was stuck behind another similar-looking piece of paper, or something like that. Always go back to search in a place where you had already searched, I say! And this play came from that idea. Enjoy!]
KITCHEN. There is a fridge on one side, aside a counter top with toaster, blender/food processor. It can be assumed a stove and dishwasher are downstage. Against the back wall is a cabinet unit on wheels, sitting underneath the landline telephone. It is cluttered with Post-It notes, stacks of mail, a pencil holder, and other clerical needs. Keys hang from hooks on the side of it.
A cork board besieged by an array of notices and pertinent paperwork hangs from the wall.
Off-center is the kitchen table. The chairs around it have been moved out from their spots. A coat is draped onto the table top. A purse sits on the downstage chair. Draped over the chair is a coat.
SHELLEY, late 40s, enters with purpose, buzzes about looking in, under, around. She picks up papers, shakes her coat, opens cabinet drawers, frustration rising.
SHELLEY
(to herself)
Where the heck are they?
ALBERT, 50, ENTERS and crosses to the fridge without paying much mind to Shelley.
ALBERT
What are you looking for, hon?
SHELLEY
Nothing.
ALBERT
(opens freezer, removes ice cream carton)
Uh huh... Need any help?
SHELLEY
(not good)
I’m good.
Shelly continues to look.
ALBERT
(takes out spoon and bowl from cabinets)
What did you lose?
SHELLEY
Nothing.
ALBERT
(perks up, puts stuff on counter)
C’mon, let me help you.
SHELLEY
(sighs)
I misplaced my car keys and I’m late to my home showing.
ALBERT
Don’t worry. We’ll figure it out. Consider, it’s never in the last place you look.
He starts going through pockets on the coat.
SHELLEY
I checked my jacket.
ALBERT
All the pockets?
SHELLEY
Yes, all the pockets.
ALBERT
How about the pants you wore yesterday?
SHELLEY
These are the pants I wore yesterday.
(off his reaction)
You wear pants two days in a row all the time.
He backs off. She continues to look.
ALBERT
Your purse?
SHELLEY
(snaps)
Of course I looked in my purse. That’s where I keep them... or hanging on the side of the cabinet. They’re not there.
He moves to inspect the keys on the side of the cabinet.
ALBERT
Let’s check your purse again.
SHELLEY
I just told you they’re not there.
(stops to reassess, to herself)
I turned off the car. I was carrying the smoothie you asked me to get you with one hand and the phone rang. I tried to answer it, while balancing the smoothie. The lid wasn’t on tight and it dripped...
ALBERT
I bet they’re in your purse.
SHELLEY
If you’re not gonna help,...
ALBERT
I am helping. A good rule of thumb is it’s never in the last place you look.
SHELLEY
You said that already. The phrase is it’s always in the last place you look.
ALBERT
That’s a misnomer. It’s never in the last place you look.
SHELLEY
That makes zero sense. You wouldn’t keep looking for something after you found it.
ALBERT
You stop looking, obviously, but it’s always someplace you’ve already looked.
SHELLEY
Well, in all the place I already looked, I didn’t find them. That means they weren’t there.
ALBERT
Then you won’t mind me looking.
Albert steps toward the table and reaches for the purse. Shelley swiftly snatches it from him.
SHELLEY
I do mind.
ALBERT
What if they’re in there?
SHELLEY
They’re not.
ALBERT
You can’t know for sure unless you look again.
She picks up the purse, puts it down on the counter behind her, positioning herself between it and Albert.
SHELLEY
I’m sure! I’m sure... Are you saying gremlins appeared and put my keys back into my purse after I looked there? Or my keys were transported to some parallel dimension. My purse is not a wormhole to Narnia.
ALBERT
You could have simply missed them.
SHELLEY
(offended)
I looked thoroughly.
ALBERT
I’m sure you did, but--
SHELLEY
I did!
ALBERT
...but in your haste to find them, your familiarity with your routine, the comfort with which you expected to find them, you’re not really looking. You’re taking for granted that they’re going to be there.
SHELLEY
Taking for granted that I can find my keys?
ALBERT
You’re skimming, you’re glancing, you’re hunting, you’re rummaging. You’re certainly not scouring, and you’re definitely not searching. You’ve got your mind on other things -- where you’ll go later, what you’ll have for lunch, whether or not anyone will notice that run in your stocking--
(gives SHELLEY a beat as she looks at her stocking, reacts)
--and assume you’ll find it. But you’re not really looking... Therefore, you’re gonna have to double back and look in the places you’ve checked, which would be anywhere from the first to the penultimate place you looked. But never the last.
Shelley stares at him, unimpressed. A long beat.
SHELLEY
I can think of plenty of times I found something in the very first place I looked. And I stopped looking after that, thereby making it the final place I looked too.
ALBERT
(smugly)
Okay.
SHELLEY
Yes.
(thinks)
Ah, yes! Remember I couldn’t find my grandmother’s broach for Mara’s wedding? I said I probably put it in my old music box which I tucked way back on the shelf in the closet after I bought that new one on our trip to Half Moon Bay. And there it was! First try.
She smiles widely, awaits Albert’s response. A beat.
ALBERT
The exception that proves the rule.
SHELLEY
Stop it!
ALBERT
Stop what?
SHELLEY
This isn’t a “teaching moment.” I just need my keys.
ALBERT
I’m not teaching. I’m only helping understand where they might be.
SHELLEY
No. You can’t just help people. You have to be holier than thou, like if you didn’t help me, I’d be lost.
ALBERT
Do you know where they are?
SHELLEY
(starts to answer, then)
That’s not the point. You act like it’s a competition between you and I.
ALBERT
“You and me.”
SHELLEY
See, it’s just like with Doug and Caitlin.
ALBERT
Doug and Caitlin?
SHELLEY
The blueberry cheesecake. At the Cheesecake Factory. You said --
ALBERT
There is no blueberry cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory.
SHELLEY
You knew that! You took them to the Factory and had them order blueberry cheesecake just so you could lord it over them... It wasn’t there. Who cares? You couldn’t just let them have their beliefs? It was just freakin’ cheesecake, for cryin’ out loud.
ALBERT
Why did he think they had blueberry cheesecake there?
SHELLEY
He made a mistake!
ALBERT
Why they don’t just put blueberry sauce on their cheesecake when they use it on their pancakes is beyond me. They use strawberry sauce to make strawberry cheesecake. Why can’t they do the same with blueberry sauce?
SHELLEY
You mocked Doug for making a silly mistake. Like you never made a mistake before.
ALBERT
I make plenty of mistakes.
SHELLEY
So you know how embarrassing it would be to start doing a boogaloo dance right there in the restaurant at Doug’s mistake.
ALBERT
What’s wrong with celebrating being right?
SHELLEY
Now they want nothing to do with us. And I can’t say I blame them.
A pause.
ALBERT
You actually make a good point.
SHELLEY
Thank you.
ALBERT
I mean about the wormhole to another dimension. That always bothered me with socks. You put two socks in a dryer and it comes out as one. This happens by my calculation once every six washes. The bin of the dryer is sealed off. Where do they go?
SHELLEY
Nowhere!!! They go nowhere! You just can’t find them! There’s no wormhole!
(calms down, retools her approach)
After you eat the last piece of food, you don’t keep eating. After a cup is emptied, it can’t be emptied again. So how, for the LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, can you look for something after you’ve found it?
ALBERT
You can’t.
SHELLEY
Exactly!
ALBERT
But you haven’t found it yet. Not in the last place. You have to go back to an earlier place to find it.
SHELLEY
It’s the last place! Aaargh! Now I’m late and I’m angry. You’ve made me angry.
Shelley turns away from him. Albert moves to a few feet behind her in an effort to defuse the situation, though it resembles a stalker moving up on a victim.
ALBERT
Why don’t you look in your purse again?
He reaches for the purse.
SHELLEY
(turns nose to nose, overly dramatic)
I would sooner die.
Albert steps back, caught off guard.
ALBERT
How about some ice cream? I’ll put some butterscotch chips on them. Your favorite.
Albert opens the cabinet again and pulls out butterscotch chips.
SHELLEY
You aren’t even paying attention. I don’t want ice cream with butterscotch chips. I want my keys.
(she grabs her purse, then puts it back down)
Forget it. I’m done looking. That was the last place, I’m looking. I’ve got a spare set in the bedroom.
Shelley exits. Albert stands there, glances to the audience. Smiles. Slowly, as if the purse is drawing him closer, he moves toward it. Standing over it, he bumps the purse to jostle the contents, looks inside. Failing that, he looks out for Shelley. Then he inserts a hand, feels around. He moves the contents around in there. After a moment, elbow deep in the purse, he stops. A smile crosses his face as he pulls out... the keys.
He considers this. His smile fades. He crosses to the cart on wheels, drops them onto the floor underneath. He crosses to cabinet, opens it. He takes out a bottle of chocolate sauce and pours it on a bowl of ice cream.
Shelley reenters, another set of keys in her hand.
Albert hands her the bowl of ice cream.
ALBERT
How about a fudge sundae?
Shelley looks at him, then looks at the sundae. The anger in her eyes softens.
SHELLEY
I do like chocolate sauce.
(she takes the bowl and take a spoonful; it hits her good)
Mmmmm. Thank you.
(She hands it back to him, then puts her spare keys in her purse. Something catches her eyes. She bends down and picks up her keys.)
Wow! Ha. I never looked under the cart. Silly me.
ALBERT
(shrugs)
You were right. The last place you looked.
SHELLEY
I’m not one to rub it in, but..
She does a little dance.
ALBERT
Hey.
SHELLEY
I’m just kidding.
She gives him a little kiss on the cheek. She exits. After she’s gone, Albert takes a spoon of the fudge sundae. He grimaces, puts butterscotch chips on it.