[I enjoy this sketch. It’s simple: one man and his guitar. Then there’s the man’s thoughts, portrayed through voiceover. This is very much inspired by Homer Simpson’s internal thought process, the straight man to his idiot. This would also give me a chance to be a little physical, though it’s best played with subtle expressions of fear, discouragement, and failure. For the record, I do know how to play a “G” chord.]
PERFORMER walks onto the stage with a guitar. He is smiling sheepishly as he waves his hand by his waist to encourage applause. When applause dies down, performer freezes.
VOICEOVER: Okay, this is what we’ve been waiting for. Go into your song. (pause) What’s the matter? Take a deep breath and get to it.
PERFORMER takes a deep breath and exhales, but is even more petrified than before.
Don’t worry, it’s just a little stage fright. I’m your brain, I’m not gonna let you fail. Just stall for a moment. Get the audience to applaud some more and then start playing.
PERFORMER encourages the audience to applaud a little more.
C’mon you know what to do. (no response) Fine, fine. The last thing you want to do is panic. I’m gonna get you through this, okay? Blink if you know what a “G” chord is. (no response) A “G” chord! It’s the easiest ch-- forget it, just play any chord.
PERFORMER hits a really wrong chord.
10,000 chords, you can’t hit one. All right, play it off and make like it was the guitar’s fault.
PERFORMER starts scoffing and sneering at the guitar.
Stop it, you look retarded. My God, man, you have to relax. Think about something else like the meal you’re gonna have after we’re done with this. There’s salmon in the fridge. With a little teriyaki sauce, some caramelized onions and fettuccine… Sounds good, right?
PERFORMER smiles contentedly. He’s beginning to relax.
Do you wanna cook it on the grill or in the oven? (tone change) Oven? Did I leave the oven on? I think I did leave the oven on. Oh, no! (panic) The house is burning down while you’re on stage making a fool of yourself! I’ve got to get outta here!
PERFORMER is frozen in his tracks more scared than before.
(regained composure) I’m sorry, my bad! I remember it’s off. Calm down.
PERFORMER settles down.
Here’s an old trick -- Picture the audience naked.
PERFORMER finds a girl and starts making come-on faces to her.
Not like that! Do you wanna get beaten up? Look at the size of that guy she’s with. Point to something shiny. Maybe it’ll distract them for a moment.
PERFORMER takes out his capo and holds it up for all to see.
Good, now you have to gain their trust. Say something witty.
PERFORMER opens his mouth and out comes a mongoloid’s mating call.
Got it. We have vocal shut down. We need a quick body function check to see what else might not be working right. Breathing?
PERFORMER takes three deliberate breaths.
Check. Heart rate?
PERFORMER surreptitiously, but very obviously puts his ear to his shoulder.
It’s a little elevated, but within a normal range. There’s no exit hole leakage of any kind.
PERFORMER checks his trousers, front and back.
And finally, let’s do a gland check. Take off your shirt nice and slowly.
PERFORMER takes off his outer shirt to reveal huge sweat stains.
(outraged) Put your shirt back on! Man, you’re sweating like Martha Stewart at an Imclone shareholders’ meeting. This is terrible. You’ve been up here what seems to be an eternity and haven’t played a damn thing! Y’know, I look bad too. When they talk about you, and they will, it’s not your spleen they’re calling empty. It’s me, your brain. You think that doesn’t hurt me? I told you not to spend all your guitar lesson money on hookers. But did you listen? No. (mocking voice) “Buy enough hookers and they pay for themselves,” you said.
PERFORMER starts to cry, fighting it every step of the way.
Don’t cry. That’ll make things worse. (repentant) Okay, I’m sorry I yelled at you. (real doting) Could you turn that frown into a smile?
PERFORMER stops crying and smiles like a serial killer might.
That’s your idea of a smile? You look like a psychopath. Here, I tell you what. Pick up your cup of water and take a sip.
PERFORMER picks up the cup and takes a sip.
How much time do we have left?
PERFORMER turns the same hand holding the cup to check his watch and the water spills onto the floor.
Put the cup down first, Goober! My god, I’m dealing with a pumpkin. Okay, scrap plan “A,” we’re not doing your song tonight. So just play “Stairway.” Everyone who plays guitar knows “Stairway.”
PERFORMER calmly attempts to play “Stairway to Heaven.” He hits the wrong notes. He tries again. No luck. Getting more frustrated, he tries a third time and fails.
You don’t even know “Stairway?!” That’s it! I give up. It’s not worth it. Just take a bow and save whatever dignity you have left.
PERFORMER bows and walks offstage. As he walks, his pants fall down.