Modern Medicine
[writer's draft of a sketch]
[Here’s another one that never made it off my laptop. It’s like a demo version of a song that you may find good, but it never made it onto an album as my standards are incredibly high, or maybe the floor is so low.]
DOCTOR MILLER sits at his desk looking at files. JAMES HAHN, 30’s, ENTERS, wearing shorts and limping. There’s an operating table in the middle of the stage and some sort of machine on wheels upstage.
JAMES: Dr. Miller?
Doctor Miller rises and greets James.
DR. MILLER: That’s M*i*ler. The second “L” is silent. You must be James Hahn. Mr. Hahn, it’s a pleasure to meet you.
JAMES: Yes. I must tell you how excited I was to see your website on non-invasive tendon treatment. I’d tried everything for my torn Achilles. The only thing left was surgery.
DR. MILLER: I’ve been doing it for two years and Europe has been doing it for twenty. It’s putting an end to conventional surgery. There are no complications. You do know, however, that insurance doesn’t cover it
JAMES: Yes, I settled up with your assistant already.
DR. MILLER: Excellent. So hop up on this table, take off your socks and lie on your belly.
James sits on the table and takes off his shoes and sock from his injured leg. He gets comfortable on his belly. The doctor takes a Slinky the back shelf.
DR. MILLER: (CONT’D) First I’m going to use the subscapulator to loosen the muscles around your calf.
James turns around to look.
JAMES: What are you doing with that Slinky?
DR. MILLER: This? It’s a battery-operated subscapulator.
JAMES: It looks just like a Slinky.
DR. MILLER: Yes, I hear that a lot. Just relax. You won’t feel a thing.
The doctor dangles the Slinky like a yo-yo over James’calf.
JAMES: Are you sure this is working?
DR. MILLER: Does your calf feel tight anymore?
JAMES: No, but it didn’t feel tight to begin--
DR. MILLER: Excellent. So you think the Yankees have a shot this year?
JAMES: (confused) Well, uh, I guess they have the pitching now.
DR. MILLER: (not really listening) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay, now we’ll numb up your ankle using this balm here.
The doctor puts down the Slinky and picks up some Vaseline.
JAMES: (cranes neck to see) Vaseline is going to make my ankle numb?
DR. MILLER: Vaseline? (scoffs) No, this is a litocaine-based numbing agent.
JAMES: It says “Vaseline” right on the jar.
DR. MILLER: (reads label) Yes, of course, “Vaseline” is Swedish for “litocaine-based numbing agent.” Fascinating language, that Swedish.
Doctor starts applying it to James’ foot.
JAMES: I’m telling you it’s Vaseline..
DR. MILLER: Do you feel that?
Doctor slaps his own wrist unbeknownst to James.
JAMES: No.
DR. MILLER: It works quickly, that (butchers the word) Vass-ay-lion?
JAMES: (corrects him) Vaseline.
Doctor pulls a bird whistle out of his pocket.
DR. MILLER: So now you’ll hear a gentle whistle sound getting louder and softer as I use shockwaves to repair the tendon.
Doctor blows on the whistle.
JAMES: (turns around) Wait, that is definitely a bird whistle!
DR. MILLER: A bird whistle? Mr. Hahn, could thousands of Europeans be wrong? This is the Resolutix, a medically-perfected, copyrighted device designed to repair your torn tendon. Now please, do not doubt the magic.
Dr. Miller takes a deep breath and blows out through the whistle as he moves closer and further away from James’ head.
JAMES: You’re not doing anything!
DR. MILLER: Are too.
He returns to the whistle.
JAMES: No, you’re not! (springs from the table) I knew this was too good to be true.
DR. MILLER: We have a phrase in the medical profession. We say, “It’s almost too good to be true.”
Dr. Miller takes another deep breath and starts blow into the whistle again.
JAMES: Stop it! Are you even a doctor?
DR. MILLER: Technically?
JAMES: Yes, of course technically!
DR. MILLER: No.
JAMES: God, you’re not?! (grabs his shoe and sock) What are you then?
DR. MILLER: I design websites mostly, but I’m also an amateur conductor and I paint bathtub murals on weekends if you’d like me to…
JAMES: (stomps toward the door, limping) I’m outta here.
DR. MILLER: Stomping around like that definitely won’t help you heal.
James stops and turns around.
JAMES: (pointedly) You’ll be hearing from my lawyer.
James EXITS.
DR. MILLER: (calls after him, brightly) I appreciate the recommendation!