Game Show Jokes

[from a written audition in 2017 to write for a game show]

[Ever wonder how people get to write for a game show? Yeah… so did I? Turns out, they audition, just like everything else in Hollywood. I got that chance in 2017 when my friends, both comedians, passed my name along when the game show they were writing for was seeking more writers. These were the funny responses to questions that to be spoken “off the cuff” by the celebrity panel. Ever wonder how celebrities come up with such great lines so quickly? The writers…. I was not selected, but this documented record of my work remains. I’m sure a lot of these were inspired by my childhood love of Al Jaffe’s “Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions.”]

1. QUESTION: The traditional gift for a 10th wedding anniversary is what?

JOKE: In Hollywood, that’d be divorce papers.

REAL ANSWER: Tin or Aluminum

2. QUESTION: What is the 180th Meridian commonly known as?

JOKE: The 179th loser. 

REAL ANSWER: The International Dateline

3. QUESTION: “Moses supposes his toeses are roses” is a line from what popular musical?

JOKE: I don’t knowses [KNOW-this], but if I blowses [BLOW-this], I may get kicked off the showses [SHOW-zis]. 

REAL ANSWER: “Singin’ in the Rain”

4. QUESTION: According to “Dorland’s Illustrated Medical Dictionary,” what do you have if you have myopia?

JOKE: A doctor that can’t keep his mouth shut. I told him that in private!

REAL ANSWER: Near-sightedness. 

6. QUESTION: In Morse code, what does a transmission of 3 dots, 3 dashes, and 3 dots mean?

JOKE: That would be. . . pepperoni, extra cheese, and don’t forget the pepperoni.

REAL ANSWER: S-O-S

7.QUESTION: What state’s motto is “friendship”? 

JOKE: Sadly, the state of my last relationship. 

REAL ANSWER: Texas. 

8. QUESTION: What is the main gas in the Earth’s atmosphere?

JOKE: It depends on what I last ate.

REAL ANSWER: Nitrogen.

9. QUESTION: What is the main flavor in the French drink pastis?

JOKE: Melancholy (alternate: Arrogance)

REAL ANSWER: Anise

10. QUESTION: Who celebrated his 111th birthday during “The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings”?

JOKE: Larry King. He loves seeing movies. 

REAL ANSWER: Bilbo Baggins

11. QUESTION: What A-word means the same as a toxophilite [tok-SOF-uh-lahyt]?

JOKE: Please tell me so I can stop yelling, “Learn how to drive, toxophilite!” 

REA: ANSWER: An archer. 

12. QUESTION: What would a Bangladeshi man do with his lungi [LOO-ng-gee]?

JOKE: Whatever he does, there better be a ring attached.

REAL ANSWER: Wear it. It is a type of sarong worn around the waist.

13. QUESTION: Where do the Allegheny, the Monongahela, and the Ohio Rivers meet?

JOKE: The corner of 5th and Main. 

REAL ANSWER: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

14. QUESTION: Who said, “I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways that won’t work”?

JOKE: The Guiness World Record holder for failure. 

REAL ANSWER: Thomas Edison

15. TRUE OR FALSE: Honey stored in Egyptian tombs 4000 years ago is still good.

JOKE: Oh, no! I’m not falling for that again. Taste it yourself. 

REAL ANSWER: True. Honey never goes bad. 

16. QUESTION: What entertainer was born Chaim Witz [KḤI-yim WI-tz, with lots of phlegm, as in “chutzpah”]?

JOKE: The one with all the spit down his shirt.

REAL ANSWER: Gene Simmons

17. QUESTION: Escarole comes from what family?

JOKE: (shrugs) I don’t watch “Game of Thrones.” 

REAL ANSWER: The chicory family. 

18. QUESTION: According to a Reader’s Digest 2017 survey, what is the most trustworthy pain reliever brand in America?

JOKE: Jack Daniel’s 

REAL ANSWER: Tylenol

[If you found any of these funny… and have a game show you need staffed, give me a call.]