[What can I say about this one except that it springs directly from The Mind of Wasif. These are just thoughts I had. . . many years ago (hence, the dated references). But the sentiment stands. Advertising is as old as the sun. Cavemen had to sell their peers on fire and the wheel. In fact, they probably used fire to promote the wheel. “Look here! This bush is on fire!. . . Do I have your attention now?. . . Good! Now look at what this wheel can do.” Anyway, I don’t think I ever talked about this on stage, so let’s call it exclusive to you Substack readers. Hey! That’s another good ad gimmick. EXCLUSIVE CONTENT! Lucky you. Enjoy!]
Advertising is the art of the 21st Century. No longer does a Renoir captivate an audience as much as the color scheme in a print ad for Lucky Strikes. When I think “Whassup??!,” I immediately think beer. It’s a natural progression. This art form is everywhere nowadays, but it’s not only an aesthetic form, but a practical one as well. How many times have you been hungry but rejected food because it doesn’t get all over the place? (Hence, it doesn’t belong in your face.)
Advertising is the recommendation that you need, the word of mouth that spurs business. Curious about a restaurant’s qualifications, but don’t know anyone who can recommend it? Look no further than the front window. If it says “Good food,” you know it’s a quality establishment. Don’t be fooled by the rats streaming out the front door. The final word is on the glass.
That’s a powerful way to advertise, but be careful by how you use the quotation marks. If you arrange the quotation marks like this: “GOOD” FOOD, it doesn’t reassure the customer. Even less so if the quotes are placed thusly: GOOD “FOOD.”
I went into one restaurant recently and they had three types of chicken:
Buffalo chicken, “zesty” chicken, and “lemon” chicken. I asked them what the difference was between the three and the lady behind the counter said the Buffalo was a hot sauce, but the zesty was a spicy sauce. Then I asked about the lemon expecting a rhetorical answer and she said, “Same thing.” Putting quotes around the lemon is like them saying, “Well, WE call it lemon.” Quotes are very dangerous.
And if you’re going to show the price, put “ONLY” in front of the price and see the difference. “Hamburgers, $800?! That’s a ripoff!” But listen to that scenario with the newly-discovered “only” in front of the price. “Hamburgers are ONLY $800! What a bargain. I’ll buy twelve.” And if you really want to sell them on the price, put “NOW” in front of only. “Hamburgers are NOW ONLY $800! Geez, imagine how much they used to be. I’d better buy a lot now before they return to their old price.”
The term “World-famous” indicates a sort of preeminence in whatever field you’re advertising. Remember, it doesn’t have to be true. Right near my apartment is a restaurant that has a sign advertising “World-famous karaoke bar.” The name of the bar is The Pickle Jar and I’m hard pressed to find anyone who’s ever heard of it. Even the bartenders behind the counter at The Pickle Jar can’t remember the name of the place. I first came across this advertising technique in Elko, Nevada. There’s not much in Elko, Nevada except a hotel called the High Desert Inn. And in that hotel is a restaurant. And in that restaurant is a dish of spaghetti that serves their “world-famous herb meat sauce.” As if the finest chefs in Paris are tasting their own meat sauce and thinking, “Hm, not bad, but it’s nothing like the sauce in the High Desert Inn in Elko, Nevada.”
The only thing more powerful than the phrase “NOW ONLY” is the phrase “NOW WITH.” Say you’re advertising a medical product. It will be on the shelf next to its leading competitor. That leading competitor has the same ingredients your product has, but your product NOW comes WITH – Ducosinol! (It doesn’t matter if no one knows what ducosinol is. It could be the most deadly chemical known to man, but people will buy the product with more stuff in it.)
Might as well cram as many ingredients as possible into as few pills as possible.
People can be easily fooled. (For example, look how long it’s taken you before realizing that I don’t know what I’m talking about. And you’re STILL reading.) Take a bottle of Libby’s fruit juice. It contains 10% real fruit juice. Wow! TEN percent! And that’s a selling point. Does that mean that the other 90% is phony fruit juice? Why not fill their product with 100% fruit juice? Perhaps that causes a chemical reaction when too much fruit mixes with too much water causing an explosion. Perhaps there’s a law that states you may only fill up to 10% with fruit juice. Even an ounce more and you will be persecuted to the fullest extent of Fruit Law. It would be a fruit juice felony.
I mentioned the term “up to” earlier. It is used in the same manner that the terms “starting at” and “as low as.” It’s useful because you can put any number next to them and it will seem like a steal.
“A brand new 2002 Ford Mustang GT Convertible! Starting at $20.” But it doesn’t say where it ends. If you want brakes and an axel in your car, it might be a little more.
You could win up to $1,000,000!!! Of course, ZERO is in the realm of “up to $1,000,000.”
Everywhere you look, there’s advertising from the big SALE sticker on the new car to the BIG SAVINGS you get with your supermarket club card. “Sure, it’s marked down $300, but we had just marked it up $400 when you weren’t looking.”
Take these suggestions with you if you’re going into business. And if you’re being given the business as well.
If you’re completely convinced by this article, please tell your friends about it. Tell them that you just read an article written by the funniest man “alive.” (Be sure not to misplace your quotes.)