A Collection of Jokes

[People seem to love jokes. Laughter, it’s the best medicine. (Of course, vaccines can help you avoid getting sick in the first place.) Before I go on stage, I write out jokes long hand and memorize them. Many comedians go a different route: they come up with an idea and riff on stage until the bit solidifies. My way requires more finessing because I don’t always talk like I write. I’m a writer, first and foremost, and a performer second… So I went through my “Stand-Up” folder which has accumulated many ideas — some fleshed out, some incomplete, some… er, let’s just say there’s a reason I never tried them on stage— over the years, and here, for your reading pleasure, are some selected potential gems.]

I was raised by a single parent... the other one just sat there.

I have two dogs and a panther at home.  Sometimes the collie gets frisky and sometimes she gets eaten.

The goal is marriage, even in this day and age when divorce is frequent.  It’s a little naive to say, “Do you take this woman until death do you part?”  Perhaps something more along the lines of, “Y’know, people change, do you promise not to be surprised that things go south after a few years?”

I live alone.  So I can pretty much make all the rules.  Sometimes I get home after a long day and toss my pants aside.  Sometimes my shirt follows.  Sometimes I start my day without pants or shirt.  Who cares?  Except for those times I use the communal laundry machine, it’s totally acceptable. The problem is when I can’t remember where I put my clothes.  So I got to thinking if something happens, I could be in trouble.  If I start choking, the first thing I’d have to do is find my pants before trying the Heimlich on myself.  And in the event of an earthquake. … See, I’m not an earthquake guy.  I haven’t been in a real big one and I do not want to be.  I’ve secured my tv to the wall using duct tape and string with a little Elmer’s glue to help.  One day, the building began to shake and I looked everywhere for my pants.  So I grabbed a towel and ran outside.  That’s when I noticed, while standing in a towel all by myself that, to a guy who’s never been in an earthquake before, they feel very similar to workers walking up on my roof.   

It started off as the Coolest, Greatest, Most Rockin’ New Year’s Party Ever Thrown!  But don’t let the name fool you; it was actually pretty lame.  (That’s the last party I attend sponsored by the local chapter of the Superlative Club.)

I’m single so I am constantly looking at women’s fingers looking for an engagement ring.  That’s a good idea.  Status jewelry.  But it only tells us married/not married.I suggest we come up with more like: Gold digger anklet, daddy issues nose screw, split personality eye glitter.

The same thing pertains to my life as a dog owner. The dog wants to be with me while I drive the car. While you’re driving the car is the worst time for the dog to get up from his seat by the gas pedal and move across the stick shift to the passenger seat. But holding the dog in your lap while driving (hands at 10 and 2) and making turns is easier than it is driving with one hand while trying to stave off your dog  with the other. And then fishing a doggie treat out of your pocket for not causing a horrific traffic accident. Officer:“I pulled you over to tell you your dog shouldn’t be driving while you’re in the back seat.”“I’m in the back seat because the dog IS driving and I feel safer back here.”

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I Believe

*I believe that all watermelons should have seeds

*I believe in peace and love, but think that harmony is overrated, especially when singing “Happy Birthday”

*I believe there will someday be an attack of the iPhones

*I believe Oklahoma will one day break off and fall into the ocean, though I’m not sure which ocean

*I believe people with toe thumbs cannot be trusted

*I believe there’s really a Nigerian prince out there who needs help retrieving his money

*I believe that Kennedy shot himself to blame the Cubans

*I believe all cats are smart enough to talk, but choose not to

*I firmly believe human beings can accomplish anything they put their minds to, provided they have zero grasp of reality

*I believe that just because you have a license to drive, it does not give you a license to drive any car you like.  You’ve seen these people under 5 feet tall driving a Chevy Suburban.  They look like a child’s doll floating in the ocean.  

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I still feel young.  Most of the time.  I went to an amusement park this past weekend. There’s something that happens when you get older and roller coasters become dangerous.  And the roller coasters are constantly trying to outdo themselves.  Nothing impresses us anymore.  We’ve seen it all before.  So they need to knock our socks off.  This one is called the Annihilator.  It has sixteen loops, a 5-story plunge, a 90 degree turn, and if you don’t remember to lift up your feet as you enter the tunnel, you’ll lose your ankles.  It’s been open a week and a dozen people have already been taken to the hospital for post traumatic stress disorder.  ‘AWESOME!!!’ They put you in that safety contraption that pulls the padded bars over your shoulders so your head doesn’t have far to go to smack into something twenty times in a minute.  I can’t let anyone see I’m hurting after the ride.  I try to play it off.  They’ll ask, “Whad’ya think?”  I’ll say, “It was all right.  I just wish it didn’t top off at 80 miles per hour.  I don’t know the physics aspect of it, but it seems they could hit a hundred easy.” But NOW, each roller coaster has a camera that takes a picture of you.  So you can’t fool anyone.  “Really?  You weren’t scared at all?  How do you explain this photo?”  The pictures go one of two ways.  Either you’re having fun, arms in the air, screaming.  Or you’ve been asked to pass a Mini Cooper out your butt at gunpoint.  [make a face] “don’t shoot! I’m pushing, I’m pushing!” The best ride is the free fall.  I’ve never gone skydiving before, so I was surprised that after the initial drop where your stomach goes into your throat and your lunch goes on the person sitting next to you, after that, there’s no feeling.  You’re just there.  Weightless.  It’s incredible.  It is a very spiritual moment... that was captured on camera with me looking as if a band of capuchin monkeys thought my penis was a banana.  It’s so zen....  For that moment, you’re at peace, like you are at one with the Universe, without a care in the world... just sitting there and-- Oh, look - urine!  That’s the order, zen, then urine.

If you drink and are worried that you’ll get a DUI because your Blood Alcohol Content is too high, before you leave the party… drink a pint of blood. It’ll level that BAC right off. Hey, you’ve never seen a vampire getting pulled over.

I got a tattoo on my back. It was a tattoo of Tattoo from “Fantasy Island.” If I decide to get another one, it’ll be a plane on my other shoulder.

Have you seen how dogs react to other dogs?  There are bigot dogs out there. They see a wolfhound and just start barking like crazy, maybe even bite. “What the hell was that?”  “Oh, he just hates wolfhounds.”  Imagine if we could act like that?  We’d see a hipster sitting in a coffee shop or a skate rat and just go off.  “What the hell was that?”  “Oh, he just hates hipsters.”  

[You read this far! Can I assume you liked some of them? Which ones, pray tell?]